Hate how poly is really. With all the politics and this social cliches where popular is always the key factor. It's either you're in it or not. You need effort in these things. And I'm sick of trying. 

I just want everything to fall into place without an inch of effort like I used to. But no you need determination for this and I have none. Part of me felt the importance of it and another just felt you shouldn't even bother trying. Trying too hard will just surface as desperation. I'm really tired. Tired of all this bullshit that I have to deal with everyday, facing the facts that I have close to no friends at school. Sure those I have now are those I'm really tight close with. But when you graduate, you just want to leave with idk 3 friends? No offense but its a sad situation from every angle. There's no sugar coating to it. Picturing it is already a torture, what about living in that moment? I'll just dig a hole. 

Another thing is it wrong to be jealous? Jealous of your friends? Jealous they are having the life you wanted? Being in a clique. I miss that feeling. But in any case, is it bad? It irks me to the point where I felt myself worthless. 

Maybe God have something brighter  for me. I hope.